While it’s only two and a half months ‘til college is over, here goes my dilemma about life after it. As of now, the only sure thing that I’ll do after graduation is to have a roadtrip with my girlfriends and a getaway with my family. And of course, review center, board exam and my goal to be a psychometrician.
However after that? What to pursue?
Graduate school? I always planned to take up MA in Indus Psych and be a human resource officer because they said the money is in the industry. However, thoughts of becoming a clinical psychologist or a guidance counselor are dawning on me. So, MA in CP or GC or IP?
Law school? I never knew I wanted to be a lawyer. My father though wants me to become one and as the time pass the idea of becoming one is still in me. (I was supposed to be a political science student anyway) Part of me wants to be lawyer (not only because of the commemorative plate “LAWYER” that I can put in my future car. hah!) because I find it exciting and I want to continue my father’s dream but I don’t want to be in law school. Yes, the stupid irony. Being in law school is scary not only because of the attorney professors or the gazillion terms that you have to be familiar of but because of the person I’ll become when I enter that jungle. As what the law students I know say, no one will come out the same. Law school can and has the mighty power to change an individual. It will transform you into a monster — with all the pressure, caffeine and sleepless nights and days you have to deal with — if you let it. I don’t want to be one. But my attorney dream is still there, in a chest waiting to be opened.
Art school? I can still remember how I want to take up Multimedia Arts when I was 16 but traditional art scared the hell out of me.(and Pop doesn’t want me to take it up) Hah! However, I am planning to take up my long term dream; photography. If ever I’ll push this through though, I will only enroll for the short course. The only problem is, when?
Or just be a vagabond? Hah! Sometimes, when I am really clueless of what I want to do and what career to pursue, the idea of being one is popping into my mind. It’s fascinating to imagine how I’ll work in a part time job in London and when I already have some savings I’ll transfer to Amsterdam and will do the same thing until I come up with money again and to NYC I’ll go and will apply for a part time job again, save money and transfer to another country and do the same thing again. How awesome is that? The consequence though, is I’ll leave my family and friends here. So, perhaps this won’t work. Aye?
I totally suck at career pathing because I believe you really can’t have a straight path because there are times wherein God will do His trick to add some spice to your journey. It will be a never ending zigzag with different varieties. So these days, my prayers consist of guidance from My Cartographer because I believe He will show me the right direction and if you are weary and confused like me too, pray that He may direct you to where you are supposed to be.
And if my plans are not in line with Yours, Lord you are free to take me away from them and put me where I am really destined to be. Because I’ll forever believe in your promise. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
We are supposed to see the lights and sounds show at Ayala Triangle but due to Twinny’s last minute notice (she’ll go to Paskuhan together with her highschool buddies), we decided to just hang out somewhere to kill time and to reward ourselves because we managed to survive the half of our last sem. We really don’t know where to go until we decided to see the movie Frozen. So to SM Manila we went but unfortunately, Frozen is not available there. Good thing I remembered Starbucks Intramuros. We planned on visiting it since we’re on second year because we fell in love with the look of the place. My friends and I aren’t really Starbucks goers. Well for us, everything there is psychological. (why? go figure. hah!) We like to visit cafes that doesn’t give so much buzz (e.g noriter, digital walker, etc) but this SB branch is an exception.
We reached the place at passed 3 and as what we’re expecting, it is full of creatures. Fortunately, moments later we found a spot. Ordered (Twinny got a heavenly butterbeer, being a potterhead that she is) and talked about random things until we came to the topic of singlehood. I thank God that He gave us three a heart that’s willing to wait. I personally owe it to the day that I accepted Him as my personal savior and to the girl that He gave me, Twinny. Who became my inspiration — she is pursuing the Lord for years now and is still waiting for her GB (God’s Best as she call it. Yes, she’s NBSB). We are passing it on to Kennetha and it’s overwhelming that she now appreciate the season that she’s into at present. Hearing her talk about how she doesn’t need to be in a relationship because she believe she’s not emotionally and physically ready, I can’t help but say at the back of my mind “Praise God!”. I am truly blessed to have such endearing girlfriends. The ones who understand that you don’t need to be with someone because for now you’re better on your own, the ones who’s not ashamed to admit that they still need a lot of fixing and most of all, the girls who’s willing to seek God first.
Ahh, I am truly blessed. It makes me love singlehood even more! ❤
Edit: Turned out that this is also part of our BES Bucketlist! ;)
I’m a hopeless romantic and in love with love, these qualities got me into trouble many times when I was single. But now I see so clearly how this world through books, movies and songs steer us to believe lies and create impossible expectations that no human can fulfill. From a young age the fairy tales groom us to believe that some ethereal prince charming is somewhere singing atop a white horse seeking us… their vulnerable princess. Later in our teens we are saturated with images of the perfect couple even if one has to suck blood to stay alive. As older married women through top selling novels (fifty shades of darkness) we are led to believe our marriages lack worldly spice, which only further distort God’s true intention of sex in a marriage. If only we would stop allowing this sinful world to lead our hearts and emotions by simply allowing God to complete us. The romance we need is found in Him. The perfect love we crave is found in Him. Stop looking to this wretched world who only seeks to separate us from God. Instead seek God and His wisdom after all He is love.
A lot of throwback Thursday pictures would clearly show that I barely changed since — with my hair having the same cut, my 12 year old face, my height and weight, the way I act, the way I smile. But contrary to those deceiving pictures and what other people see, I did changed. Maybe not by looks but in my whole being. My perspective, priorities, and every other aspect that doesn’t include my physical self.
I can now handle every problem without worrying, I can now go to places and go home alone late without being afraid, I gained patience — the thing that I thought is very impossible for me to obtain, I learned how to appreciate and value people, I learned how to ponder on little things, I found solace and solitude in being with myself alone, I am now confident of the future and most importantly, I now learned how to wait.
I managed to be all of those things because two years ago, I accepted You as my personal Savior and my One True Love. I don’t know who I am now if that encounter didn’t happened.
Throughout the whole two years of having a relationship with You, You remain faithful. You never left me in times of trouble, happiness and problems whether big or small. You witnessed every heartbreak, disappointments, failures, achievements and adventures I had. You became my confidant. A friend that I have who’s always there to listen when the ears of the world got tired to do so and whom I know will not judge me no matter what and who I am. You became my shield and my protector. You became everything to me. Because of You, I now sail over everything with my new wings of gold.
I want you to know that I love You with all of my heart and entire being. I want to thank You for everything. Meeting You was the greatest event that happened in my life.
I am looking forward to a lot more discoveries about You. I want to know You so well. Here’s to forever (Yes, forever because I know, to You, it will never falter), My Love.
We are having a late dinner, my father, brother and I while mom decided to doze off early because of exhaustion from that day’s work. It was a peaceful scenario at the dining table — asking how’s everyone’s day and whereabouts, etc is. Until suddenly, my father stood up from his chair and went inside the room to nebulize. My brother and I are calm and all since this happened often and we know that after some inhaling of air from the nebulizer, Pop will be better. Unfortunately, that night was different. After a minute of nebulizing, Pop called our attention and said that he needs to be rushed to the hospital. Everyone panicked. Even mom who’s asleep by then, shrieked and got out of bed, shocked. I and my brother went out to call for help and thank heavens, one of our neighbor quickly responded. The next vivid memory was of my father gasping for air real hard and my mother and our neighbor carrying him inside the van. I was left home to accompany my brother. We are crying so hard because we don’t know what will happen. Everything’s intense.
I asked prayers from everyone I knew and of course, I myself prayed real hard too. My whole body has been eaten by anxiety. It felt like, I too, will be attacked by hyperventilation. But thank God, I wasn’t.
When I was scrolling endlessly on facebook, I hovered on someone’s boyfriend’s account and through his cover photo, God spoke to me.
“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” -Exodus 14:14
And before that happened, I was reminded that He is in control, I shall not worry. So I prayed. I said I lift my Pop’s condition to Him and I know that He will not let something bad happen to him. I relaxed and eased off all anxiety in me.
What happened next was very touching.
We didn’t get a news from the hospital (because mom left her phone at home) until the driver and owner of the van came knocking at our door saying that Pop survived. A deep sigh of relief came out from both my brother and I. As to me, I cried and thank God for being faithful to His words. When my mom went home that night, she said that we almost lost him. He’s in 50/50 condition. Imagine my heart leaping with joy and gratitude for the Lord when He didn’t let my father go.
Indeed, His words are very powerful. You need only to trust Him and not worry. Out of all the words I know, His are the ones I always hold on too for I know He will never fail me and that event proved me everything.
So beloved, I encourage you to trust in Him and His words too for it will never falter.
Because the power of His words is the key to everything.
HIS WORD IS A BED TO REST UPON.
HIS WORD IS A SURE FOUNDATION.
BREAD TO THE HUNGRY.
COMFORT TO THE LONELY.
HOPE TO THE HOPELESS.
REST TO THE WEARY.
EVEN THOUGH THE WINDS OF PERSECUTION HAVE BLOWN AGAINST IT,
IT STILL REMAINS. ♥
Life has a way of making you drown in pool of confusion. When you’re happy and contented in what you already have, someone will come and will challenge you. It’s as if God is testing you if you are really true to your convictions or you are ready to fall into the enemy’s trap.
All of the feelings that are once familiar seemed like an alien now but it kept on rushing. One move and it’ll make you think if you did the right thing or you did a rather wrong thing, yet again.
Dearest Lord, I know this is one of the enemy’s way of making me break what I said to you. Lord, help me to guard my heart. Help me not to awaken love until the time is right.
Lord, please don’t give me love. Because as for now, I’m contented with you. You are what my heart is longing for and not someone’s care or invitations for a walk. Lord, please don’t give me love. Because as for now, all that I want to answer is your calling and not just another hopeful guy’s phone call. Lord, please don’t give me love and don’t let me settle for I know all of these are fleeting.
Lord, my dear Lord, guard and protect my heart.
Please don’t give me love when the kind of love I desire is something I want to possess out of fear—fear that nothing better will come, fear that it will end up just like the others I have received and fear that I deserve to “settle." Please remind me that the kind of love I should have is love that is supposed to be desired, rightly, out of faith--faith in Your perfect timing, faith in Your faithfulness, faith in knowing that You know what is best for me, that I do not see.
Please don’t give me love when I am drowning in myself, my loneliness and my selfishness, that I forget that You will always be the endless ocean who gives me the love I yearn for and the love I undeserve.
Please don’t give me love when all I desire is companionship and togetherness that I completely forget that there are others who already provide this kind of love and others who want to give me this kind of love that I simply put their love aside, blind of the love they can give my longing soul.
Please don’t give me love when I want to be told I am beautiful because in Your eyes, there is so much beauty that you have placed in me—in every piece you have faultlessly designed that my eyes are unaware of—because You are the magnificent Artist.
Please don’t give me love when I yearn for attention, that I easily forget that though there are billions under Your care, You give me unceasing amount of it, as if I were the only one You have to look after.
Please don’t give me love when the love I have in mind is fleeting because it relies so much on what I feel. There are moments when I am unhappy that I want it, then realize that it is just a thought created by dullness, and if I did not stop myself, I would have probably followed a love that leaves people with nothing but regrets.
Please don’t give me love when I am blind to my own self— that I need time to grow, time to learn, and time to love others and time to love You before loving him or else I would be preparing myself for estrangement, because I am too busy fixing myself when I should be loving him.
And please don’t give me love, when I need another person to be sure of You because I need to be sure of You, by myself. One day, I will be prepared for this love but until then, please don’t give me love.
In the middle of working on our thesis, my guy friend randomly asked me… “Elaine, if ever you’ll undergo plastic surgery, what part of you, do you think needs reconstruction?” I stopped from typing and without blinking I said… “My nose.” He then asked me why. ”My nose is too big that when I laugh, I can feel it all over my face.” I said and both of us laughed.
Seconds after I answered that, I knew I just slapped the face of my One True Love.
I am not the type of girl who has the beauty that can make guys go gaga. Nor when you look at me at first glance, you can never put me in your list of girls-to-look-at. I am not white as milk, my hair’s not soft as cotton, and you can compare my height to grade school’s. I guess you have to talk to me and get to know me first before calling me “pretty” and if ever compliments are going my way I often view it as their way of tripping on me.
All of us especially girls has a fair share of insecurity inside us. There will always be questions like, “Why can’t I be like her?” “Why does she have a porcelain like skin?” “Why there’s not even a hint of scar at her body? “Why is her hair perfectly and naturally straight? Mine’s horrible curls.” “Why is she sexy and my weight’s triple than her?” and the list goes on.
In today’s society, the media has a big influence on what we consider beautiful. We tend to evaluate physical attractiveness by the standard of beauty of women who made it to Tyra Banks’ show, who are in covers of magazine, flashed in television’s dietary supplement commercial, billboard advertisement, etc, etc. All of these are the reasons why we are having false beliefs about the word “beauty”. That’s why a lot of girls (mostly teenagers) posts obscure photos in social networks just to caught the attention of people.
Beauty makes a lot of us feel frustrated. It even became too overrated. After the conversation with my friend, God eventually whispered something to me. He said, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.” I hated myself for thinking that I still need some reconstruction.